Just A Beginning

 I was supposed to write a letter. I think maybe I have been.

There is another movie on that makes me cry. 

I was sitting in my chair. I started feeling sad for what I thought was no reason. I started to think maybe Im bipolar, wait maybe that's a little extreme (lol) Maybe its my hormones, I should get those checked. 

then I realized it.

there's a movie playing in the backround, the plot. woman has some type of illness and is going to commit medically assisted suicide. she had her family all come, basically, for a goodbye party. they all knew the reason for the party.

I wasn't paying attention, I just knew that I felt the most horrible sadness and a tear rolled down my cheek. and here I am crying again. 

I thought about when you were in the final parts and you wanted to see people. I told you I would take you anywhere and you said lets face it people are going to want to see me. I think Margaret may want to come see me (this was all about cleaning the house up). MY EVER SO SELFISH RESPONSE, I don't really care what Margaret thinks one way or the other. but you did, I knew you did. I should have pulled my head out of my stubborn prideful ass. instead Margaret came to see you at a fucking funeral.

I was so angry at her. for shutting you out of your family, your holidays, and away from your mom. If Im honest I have had problems dealing with Veronica because of that too. 

I haven't seen your family much, and every time I have to or its a thing it is so hard. I love them. I miss them. their connection to you (even the lack of it) just hurts me. I saw Margaret there too. I struggle to just say hi when there is so much shit in my head that I have no desire to say to her. its painfully awkward. Jeraldine was there as well. they are both super happy they have husbands and continued to repeat blessed, god, etc.  I don't know why Margaret is so awkward. it could be how I look, it could be Irenes response to my wedding, it could be the gay thing, it could be because your family is emotionally stopped up and can't express emotions that are real, or it could be all of it IDK. She struggles though its so painfully obvious. its funny Jeraldine introduces herself to me (she did the same thing at your funeral) like I wouldn't know who she was. I remember feeling like you were always trying to measure up to what they thought was the bar. I watched you struggle. I paid for your struggle when I didn't measure up. the difference I really don't give a shit what she thinks or if she thinks I'm going straight to hell. that is how she acts like its hard for her to face me and be around me and hold her tongue. maybe its not about that. (likely it is though)

I hate her for how she treated you and her judgmental eye and being responsible for your lonely holidays that I tried to make up for. 

my god, I love you so much.

Its just hard for me. I spent so much time daily worrying about you, your needs and your feelings.

I really dropped the ball on your goodbye. people came. my dads whole family (which by the way loved you and where we had people after your funeral) your sisters came but everyone was late because I was late. late to realize it was over. I wasn't even fucking there. I wasn't there for you the one time it really fucking mattered and I wasn't there. I don't know that I will ever have peace with that. I can't fucking believe I let you die alone. well your son was in the next room but from what I gather when he came out it was already over. 

I never realized how many movies there are about people getting cancer and dying. I feel like every other think I watch is about it. I'm going along oh this movie seems pretty good. ohh there it is xyz has cancer and they are dying lets watch them go through that and saying goodbye to everyone. (you know like you wanted to but didn't get to because I was living in your dream of your getting a healing) not even I got to say goodbye. 

that stupid belief. you were going to get a healing. heaven forbid I be a doubting Thomas and be the reason you didn't. OMG this is so much fucking bullshit. all it does is play out in my head over and over again. you at the hospital, the social worker talking to me in the parking lot, you at the house, the hospice nurse, me leaving, asking Alex if he was going to be ok. ME LEAVING wtf was I thinking. I should have never left.

listen I know your not mad. I know there is no way I could have known. actually, I could have but was so out there I didn't have the ability. I know its not my fault. Im not angry or feeling bad because of you (well about you being alone I am mad at that) Im angry and mad for me. Its bullshit that I wasn't there to hold your hand. you know how many goddamn peoples bedsides I have been at while they died?? how many fucking hands I've held? Even one is to goddamn many because I didn't get to hold yours. 

I feel cheated, maybe you would have said something I really needed to know about life or maybe you would have just said you loved me. I don't fucking know. that's it though right. I was always looking for some guidance in life or for you to tell me that you loved me. not that I didn't think you did. I know you did. so idk. 

but this is fucking bullshit.